Ten Warning Signs
(The first three traits may be misinterpreted as intense love, whereas they may actually be an attempt to control. If not nipped in the bud, the abuse only worsens! The sooner that the victim is woken up (by friends) to the fact that her fiancé or spouse's behaviors are not "normal", the sooner treatment can begin.)
1. Does your fiancé or spouse try to alienate or isolate you from your family and friends?
Does he say they don't like him - and/or - does he put them down and say they're a "bad influence"?
2. Does he expect you to spend all your free time with him exclusively?
Does he discourage new friendships with other women? ... your participating in outside activities?
3. Does he want to know your whereabouts all the time and becomes angry when you're not available?
Does he have to know to whom you spoke and what was said?
4. Is he very impatient? For example, does he get angry in a restaurant if the service is not what he wants, then perhaps blames you for wanting to eat there?
5. Does he become angry if you do not follow his advice?
Does he make all the decisions, tells you what to wear and demand a strict accounting of how you spend money?
6. Does he take responsibility for his actions, or is he always blaming others?
Does he typically say it was the other person who "provoked" him?
7. Does he tend to put you down and have unrealistic expectations of you? Do you find that you are putting yourself down in order to please him?
Do you blame yourself for episodes where you were abused verbally or physically?
8. Does he appear to have two sides to his personality? Is he sometimes cruel, and at some other times, smothering with excessive kindness?
Does he routinely "make up" after abusive episodes (honeymoon phase)?
9. Are you afraid to making him angry and so take great care not to do so?
Does he display anger by breaking things, hitting, or the silent treatment? Does he "blow up" at trivialities?
10. Does he have an authority figure with whom he consults regularly, or does he have difficulty in subjugating himself to one authority?
Does he often decide (pasken) for himself laws, especially in situations dealing with man and his friends and their relationships and respect for each other? Does he adopt unusual rules or restrictions (chumros) without asking questions (shailos) from knowledgeable Rabbinic authorities?
N.B. It is characteristic of controlling men that they insist the girl make a quick decision in response to a proposal of marriage. Undue pressure may be a warning sign of future abuse.
Information in bold lettering excerpted from "The Shame Borne In Silence" by R' Abraham J. Twerski, 1996, Mirkov Publications, Inc., POB 81971, Pittsburgh, Penn. 15217 (1-800-851-8303)